Robin Rose

Dear Friends,

I just came across some terrific advice from our friend Robin Rose. Robin will be presenting at Shangri-La’s Learn Teach and Act Conference June 1 and 2. We at Shangri-La love her practical, focused training that is based not only on experience and social interaction but includes hard science as well. If you haven’t encountered Robin yet, check out her website and sign up for her “StayWell” newsletter.

Below is the short, helpful piece on communication I received from Robin via email. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. – Jan Kral / CEO Shangri-La Corporation

Can You Pause Instead of React?

We all have moments when we act before we think. We may be ticked off or triggered by another person’s behavior, surprised or caught off-guard in an awkward moment, or in more extreme cases, broadsided by something major and very uncomfortable.

It’s at exactly moments like these that we need our thinking brain the most, but it’s likely to be momentarily disengaged. As a result we often react with “foot in mouth” – saying thoughtless, hurtful or inappropriate things – and we pay a big price later. A Chinese proverb wisely tells us, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”

Do you have a PAUSE button that affords you a moment of patience? Are you able to to step back, settle yourself, and re-engage from a thoughtful stance?

When you’re triggered (surprised, startled, irritated, or angry) your brain downshifts into survival mode. This startle response might only last for a brief moment, or it can last a lot longer – like when people get angry and are fuming for days. The problem with survival mode is that you can’t access thinking and generate effective solutions or appropriate responses. Plus, it’s very hard on your health.

Develop your ability to PAUSE. Pausing puts you in control of yourself, it lets you choose your response, and it helps you maintain your professionalism. It can save your relationships. Pausing also stops the production of stress chemicals, which means you’ll feel a lot better later in the day.
Here are a few reminders for the next time you feel triggered:

• Zip your lips. Manage your body language. Keep your cool.

• Breathe. Exhale fully, from your belly. Repeat.

• Talk sense to yourself: “Relax… Listen first… I can work with this… Don’t buy in….”

If you need to stay engaged:

• Actively listen. Assume positive intent. Get curious.

• Validate the other person’s reality and perception. (You don’t have to agree to validate.)

• Clarify your understanding.

• Share calm and constructive feedback.

If there is no need for a response from you:

• Remove yourself. Get some water. Take a quick walk if you can.

• Create humor from the moment – but not at anyone’s expense. (Keep it clean.)

• Let it go. Avoid the urge to recycle the event with others. Just move forward.

• Focus on your next task.

• Congratulate yourself for what you did that you liked, and make note of what you would do differently next time.

StayWell this week – Robin

www.robinrose.com